I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
