i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
