So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
