I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
