Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
