So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
