God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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