you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize