You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
