Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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