I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
