there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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