I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
