Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
