They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
