I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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