And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
