they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
