Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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