So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
