Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
