I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
