Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
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