I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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