my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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