I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
40s are totally the cure
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
