she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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