Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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