so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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