I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize