I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
