If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
