I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
