i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
