i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
