If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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