What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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