After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I stole a fireplace last night.
being pregnant is like rehab
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
