I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
