Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
