You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
