Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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