Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
