About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
