I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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