i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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