I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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