You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
