Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
