did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
