I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
