Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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