I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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