these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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