I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
