A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
