Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
