my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
