my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
