Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize