my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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