is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
